Day 51 - Weight loss so far......................2 stone 6lbs

I'm right at the half way stage of my LL now and I have to be totally honest and admit that it seems to be getting harder and harder. Everyday now I'm battling with thoughts of quitting and it's ridiculous because I'm so close to reaching the goal I set for myself when I first embarked on this diet.

I'm not really sure that I'm getting anything out of the weekly group meetings (except for the support of the other lifers which is invaluable) and I'm starting to become somewhat concerned that I'm developing a bad relationship' with food where I never had one before. At a LL meeting we were once asked to describe our feelings after we'd binged; a few of my group said things like "guilty"and "ashamed" and all I could think of was "full" and "a bit sick". I've never been one to raid the fridge or the cupboards and binge eat and I've never, ever, had a bad/guilty emotional response to eating - until now.

For the last week or so I've been sneaking food, and I do mean quite literally sneaking. Handfuls of peanuts find their way in to my pockets and then, surreptitiously, into my mouth. All the while I'm hoping that Russell hasn't noticed that (a) I'm eating and (b) that the level on his bowl of nuts keeps dropping and rising as if it was tidal. I've become quite the expert at chewing without actually looking like I'm eating; this usually involves a combination yawn, cough, face scratch maneuver. It's really quite technical and should only be performed following intense training!!!

I'm become obsessed with my Step-Father Dereks' home made pickled onions and have worked my way through two jars of his vintage best. Way back when I started this diet I was concerned about getting ketosis breath. That didn't seem to happen (unless everyone is lying to me!) but now I couldn't care less that I have onion breath strong enough to strip paint from 200 yards. The only downside to this particular obsession is that I can't really hide it from Russell. You only have to open the jar and a wonderful fog of onion, spices & vinegar fills the room and, eventually, the house. I don't so much get a "Honey, I'm home" call from him when he walks in the front door now - it's more of a "Blimey, have you been at those pickled onions again?" And before anyone else asks me - NO I'm not pregnant.

Derek has just given me a jar of this years onions - a new stash! - and I couldn't stop myself from tucking in to them. Each year he changes the recipe slightly and this year he's upped the heat; floating around in the jar are lots of tiny, red hot chilies and they do add an amazing kick. The first one I tried left me flapping my hand around in front of my mouth in a vain attempt to take the edge off the heat and stop my eyes from streaming. Fantastic! Pretty powerful stuff and that's before they've really had a real chance to mature. Think I'll stick them at the back of the cupboard and leave them for six months or so - am looking forward to steam coming out of my ears and my head exploding!

At a party once I gave one of Dereks' onions to Dave, a friend of mine - his reaction said everything. He seemed ok just after eating it but then the afterburn kicked in. He went white, then green before eventually turning a very attractive shade of red, started to sweat profusely and mutter "Bloody hell" under his breath. I'm not sure if that meant he liked the experience or not - maybe I'll ask him.

Anyway, back to my LL................ I really don't know why I'm finding it so hard to stick to the diet now; especially as I am so very close to my personal goal. In reality I only have to lose another 6lbs to be at the top of the healthy BMI range and a total of 12lbs to be at the weight I want to get to. At 3lb per week that's only another 4 weeks. If I stick at this for another 7 weeks then I could lose another 21lbs which would put me smack bang in the middle of the healthy BMI range.

I've already lost a total of 23inches from my body; over 8 of them from my waist and almost 5 from my hips and have dropped a couple of clothes sizes. So you would think that it would spur me on to keep at it right? But, to be completely honest, I'm just so bored with it now and it really is becoming a struggle.

We're getting a locum group leader for the next couple of weeks as ours is on holiday and I gather that this is someone who has been through the programme so I'm hoping that she'll be able to give me some more motivation to keep going. I don't want to give up - we've already lost one from our group and I don't want to be the next one to fall by the wayside - so I guess I'm just going to have to keep on battling through.

Anyway, that's it for me for now. I've got a whole other blog to write about my first shopping experience for new clothes but I'll leave that for later in the week.

Take care. x x